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22 December 2004 @ 05:28 pm
Boredom and Christmas: and How They Came Together  
Bored? Stuck on a query riddled with errors? Looking for a way to procrastinate? DON'T MIND IF I DO!

Every year, it seems, I have to dredge up the same old tortured altered Christmas carols. Why? Because it brings me joy. I do not apologize if you've heard or seen them already. They bear repeating.

Please contribute to the following.


Feliz Navidad

I'm trying to figure out a way to lampoon this one using "Fleas on the Dog"; haven't got it quite worked out yet.

Okay, here's an effort, on ladybird97's behalf:

Puh-lease kill this song
Puh-lease kill this song
Puh-lease kill this song, and anyone who turns it on

Puh-lease kill this song
Puh-lease kill this song
Puh-lease kill this song, it drives me crazy and should be gone

I wanna rip it in bitty pieces
I wanna rip it in bitty pieces
I wanna rip it in bitty pieces from the bottom of my heart

Joy to the World, learned in Girl Scouts

Joy to the world, the teacher's dead
We baaaar-becuuuuuued her heeeaaad
Don't worry 'bout the bo-ody
We flushed it down the po-otty
And round and round it goes, and round and round it goes
And ro-OUND and ro-o-ound and round it goes

Angels We Have Heard on High, first sentence from my stepdad, the rest I made up

Angels we have seen on high, sweetly swinging through the trees
If you shoot them they will die, spilling guts into the breeze
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-reeee, excessively violent
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-reeee, so extremely sickening and wroooong

We Three Kings, this one must be old, all I know is I didn't make it up

We three kings of Orient are
Trying to smoke a loaded cigar
When we smoked it, it explo-o-ded *BOOM!!*

We two kings of Orient are
Trying to smoke a loaded cigar
When we smoked it, it explo-o-ded *BOOM!!*

I one king of Orient are
Trying to smoke a loaded cigar
When I smoked it, it explo-o-ded *BOOM!!*

Silent night, holy night...

Jingle Bells

Okay, even I can't bring myself to type this dreck down. Has anybody heard a BETTER lampooning of Jingle Bells?

Oh Christmas Tree, once again, from my stepdad... needs work

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree
How dare you stare at me
...

Any ideas? Actually, just that one line is enough to send me into fits of giggles.

Deck the Halls, okay, I am silly enough to repeat this one

Deck the halls with gasoline
Fa etc.
Strike a match and watch it gleam
Fa etc.
Now the school is burned to ashes
Fa etc. etc.
Aren't you glad you play with matches?
Fa etc.

Yes, yes, elementary school, but it still brings a smile. Particulary if you sing it with the "etc."'s intact.

I was inspired, so I just came up with another one for...

Deck the Halls

Deck the halls with boughs of hypoallergenic synthetic greenery
Fa et-cet-er-ah
'Tis the season to be of moderate and safety-oriented celebration
Fa and so on
Don we now our lifestyle-neutral-festivity-oriented apparel
Fa you know the rest
Toll the traditional religious anthem with even older roots in ancient pagan rituals
Fa ad nause-ah

Now let's see...

Oh Holy Night, I used to know something about Oh Holey Cheese, but now I'm thinking that there needs to be a new version titled Oh Holy Shit. That would sound GOOD.

Momentarily inspired, I wrote the following:

Oh Holy Shit

Oh holy shit
I think my daughter's pregnant
My car just died in the ghetto part of town
I lost my purse
I lost the cure for cancer
My hard drive crashed, and my project's overdue

I'm screwed, I'm toast
I might as well be dead, now
My name is mud
The point to life is gone

Iiiiiii'm choking to deeeeath
My leeeeeggg needs amputaaation
My hooooouse juuuuust burned doooownnnn
I hit a deer
Woke up in jail

Oh, hoooooooooly SHIIIIIIITTT!
In deeeeep, serious shit

Needs more verses.

Need to do something about Silent Night. I used to know one, but I forgot it.

And how about Oh Little Town of Bethlehem? It needs a fisking dreadful most badly.

I still remember singing this one in the seventh grade:

The Twelve Days After Christmas, as originally written by... uh... whoever wrote it, and it's a bit long (note: it's NOT the same melody as The Twelve Days of Christmas):

The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight
So then I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite
Then, with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens, to make some chicken soup
The four calling birds were a big mistake, for their language was obscene
The five gold rings were completely fake, and they turned my fingers green

The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn't lay
I gave the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA
On the seventh day, what a mess I found
All seven of the swimming swans had drowned
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect
I bundled up... the...
Eight maids a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords a leaping
'Leven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming--

- Well, actually, I kept one of the drummers...

- And sent them back, collect!

I wrote my true love, "We are through, love"
And I said in so many words
Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for... the...
FOUR CALLING BIRDS THREE FRENCH HENS TWO TURTLE DOVES AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR... tree.

Any other variations on The Twelve Days will be happily accepted, especially the beer one. I can never remember all of that.

Anybody have the lyrics to Walking 'Round in Women's Underwear?

Here's my own take:

If You Need to Pee Just Use a Can, sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland

Everyone can remember
Day-long trips in December
Obsessively planned, and Daddy's command...
"If you need to pee just use a can"

In the car thirteen hours
Gonna cry golden showers
My bladder will pop, if Daddy won't stop
"If you need to pee just use a can"

Down the freeway there's a nice McDonald's
Only just a second, maybe two
We'll love you forever if you stop there
"But that would take too long, we'll just drive thru"

Later on, we're arriving
More like swimming than driving
We rush to unload, in Grandma's commode
"If you need to pee just use a can"

Let it Snow just needs to be taken out and shot.

Oh, and if anybody's heard a nice rendition of The Carol of the Bells, that would really make my day... while I like that song, it's also kind of my nemesis. I once had it stuck in my head, on and off, for two years straight. I kid you not.

Okay, I came up with a little something for that one:

The Carol of the Bills

Spending the bills sweet dollar bills
Malls seem to say throw them away
Christmas is here bringing the fear
That you won't spend more than your friends
Money, money, money, money Christmas
Money, money, money, money Christmas

(Ching! Bling! Ching! Bling!)
(Ching! Bling! Ching! Bling!)

All season long who can go wrong
Give if you get, go into debt
All seem to flash fat wads of cash
Buy, sell and trade, go on a raid!
Money, money, money, money Christmas
Money, money, money, money Christmas

(Ching! Bling! Ching! Bling!)
(Ching! Bling! Ching! Bling!)

Aw, d00d! I forgot the best one!

White Christmas, heard it from my mom, not sure where she collected it

I'm screaming at a white sheepdog
Because he's sitting on my chair
It's a thing I'm dreading, the way he's shedding
And coats everything with hair

I'm screaming at a white sheepdog
And should he visit you some night
May his bark be worse than his bite
And may all your furniture be white

I'm not being Scroogey! This is how I celebrate the joys of the season! *grin*

More tormented lyrics here! "We three kings of porridge and tar ..." I like that!
 
 
 
Lupalupaloo on December 23rd, 2004 12:41 am (UTC)
Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire
Wiseacreewin on December 23rd, 2004 12:45 am (UTC)
Oh, that's just adorable. :) Tres cute.

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost picking at your nose...
Wiseacreewin on December 23rd, 2004 12:48 am (UTC)
... Carol singers flattened under a tire
And seals harpooned by Eskimos
Joshua Rhys Taliesin O'Madadhainjrtom on August 2nd, 2005 08:02 am (UTC)
Or the version I learned in HS:

Chest hairs roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping off your clothes
Dirty jokes being told by a choir
And folks dressed up like gigolos...

Not exactly coherent, but I enjoy singing it all schmaltzy Mel Torme-style just to see how long it takes people to notice the difference. :)
Alikanakelaalexanderc on December 23rd, 2004 12:48 am (UTC)
To the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland.

Gone away is Viagra.
Here to stay is Cialis.
The send me more spam,
the worst on the WAN,
wading through an online pharmacy.

I adored my Vioxx,
'Till it put me in a big box,
The news hit the Net,
too late for my pets,
wading through an online pharmacy.
Wiseacreewin on December 23rd, 2004 01:15 am (UTC)
I love this! *grin*
Harfafnorharfafnor on December 23rd, 2004 02:13 am (UTC)
Jingle bells, shotgun shells, rabbits run away, oh what fun it is to ride, Lisa in the hay.

or

Joy to the world I just got laid. Her name was Ele oeeese. She dropped to her knee ese and I begged her please, give it a kiss. let me play with your tits

how about

Oh the head you gave was frightful, but the fuck was delightful, if I ever hire another ho, then I'll know not to let you give me a blow.
Wiseacre: Sinfest xmas - Giruff_iconsewin on December 23rd, 2004 02:20 am (UTC)
I will treasure these little nuggets of holiday perversion for eternity. :D
Радаdigitalemur on December 23rd, 2004 03:27 am (UTC)
Wow. This is the work of a prodigy.
Wiseacreewin on December 23rd, 2004 06:20 am (UTC)
In his defense, I specifically asked for a pr0n rendition of Let it Snow. :) That song just deserves it.
mikebmike_b on December 23rd, 2004 04:38 am (UTC)
this entire thread was the most hilarious thing i've read in a long time.
Wiseacreewin on December 23rd, 2004 06:20 am (UTC)
Yay!